Go to college – Graduate – Get a job
That right there is what we’re taught to achieve, it’s been ingrained in our system since the day we were able to make a coherent thought. To me, it all seems clinical. I understand that making a living is essential, it is. And the clinical thought that I was talking about absolutely makes sense, it does.
I thought that I was alone in feeling this much anxiety about working and carving your own path, in a way it makes me feel better knowing that other people feel it too, makes it seem normal.
I had an anxiety attack months before graduation, it was in the middle of the night, everyone was asleep and I had no one to talk to. To pacify myself, I tried looking for a part time job. One of the questions in the interview was: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” and I’m thinking that the right answer would be something about sticking with the company and having made progress there in so and so amount of time. But it got me thinking; would I really want to spend my years working at a job that I’m only doing to get by or because as a grown up, I’m expected to work.
I think of myself as one of those people who needs their heart in it, in order to commit to a certain thing like a job. It’s a big commitment since you’ll invest your good years there. I believe it has to be something you love so you wouldn’t feel like you wasted your life or your time. It might be unrealistic but that’s how I feel and sometimes it sucks that I’m that way. There was an article online that said that optimistic people have greater chance of failing because they expect too much and think that they can achieve anything. I am an optimistic person and I can see the writer’s point.
Failure, Rejection and Time are my enemy. The more you want it, the more of yourself you invest, the greater the risk of getting rejected and failing. As for time, we just don’t have enough of it. When I was young I used to think that time goes by so slowly but now I can barely keep up and it’s alarming. Seriously.
There was a time when someone told me that I was wasting my life with not doing anything and at that time I was taking a breather from college, doing some Eat-Pray-Love and I was hurt by what that person said since he was already working and apparently I was wasting my time. Maybe at the back of my mind, I felt that there was some truth in what he said. I asked one of the people who were closest to me if he thinks that it’s true and that I should be doing something and he only replied with: “Are you happy?” To answer that yes, I was happy with exploring and doing things I’ve never done and going places I want to go because I have the time to do so. In the mean time, that’s what I’m doing because once I start working my time would be limited and I might forget about these things along the way.
In this pickle, there’s no one answer and there can’t be a guide because nothing can ever make you ready to face reality. But like I said it helps to know you’re not alone in feeling this way and also to have people to talk to about you losing your way.
I hope you find yours. ❤